Why do I idealize crushes ?

Why Do I Idealize Crushes? A Historical Perspective

Introduction: A Historian’s Reflection on Human Nature

As a historian, I often find myself delving into the intricacies of human relationships, seeking patterns that have endured throughout time. Why, I wonder, do we experience intense feelings for someone, often to the point of idealizing them, especially in the early stages of attraction? Is it something inherent in our nature, or a construct shaped by societal and historical influences? To answer this question, we must look back in time and trace the development of love, crushes, and the way we have been conditioned to view romantic interests.

The Origins of Romantic Idealization

Historically, idealization in romantic contexts wasn’t always the norm. In earlier civilizations, romantic love was often not the primary driver of relationships. In Ancient Greece, for instance, the notion of eros (romantic love) was distinct from more practical aspects of life, such as marriage, which was often more about political alliances or family connections. Idealization, in the way we know it today, wasn’t necessarily central to the love experienced in these times.

It wasn’t until the Middle Ages, with the rise of courtly love, that the idea of idealizing someone in romantic terms took root. This period, spanning from the 12th to the 15th centuries, saw the emergence of a new kind of romantic idealism, driven largely by literature and the chivalric codes of knights and ladies. The poetical portrayals of love during this time, exemplified by works such as The Song of Roland or the tales of King Arthur and his knights, framed love as an unattainable and often unattainable ideal. Lovers were portrayed as individuals who would sacrifice everything, even their very lives, for the object of their affection.

It was during this period that the seeds of modern idealization were planted. Love became something lofty, romanticized, and increasingly disconnected from reality. This idealized notion of love was so deeply embedded in culture that it would evolve throughout centuries, influencing our perception of crushes and infatuation.

From Courtly Love to the Age of Enlightenment

The Renaissance and the subsequent Age of Enlightenment marked significant shifts in both thought and social structures, particularly in relation to romantic relationships. As the influence of the Church began to wane, new philosophical ideas emerged, and with them came a more individualistic approach to love and romance. Thinkers like John Locke and Jean-Jacques Rousseau emphasized individual rights, autonomy, and personal emotions.

With the rise of individualism, the idealization of crushes took on a more personal form. This was not merely an expression of unattainable love, as seen in the Middle Ages, but also an expression of one’s personal desires, fantasies, and self-concept. The idea that we could “fall in love” with someone as a way of expressing our own emotional needs, often distorting or amplifying their qualities to match our desires, became more widespread.

As society moved into the Victorian era, the rise of the bourgeoisie and the shift to more private, personal lives further transformed how we viewed love. Relationships became more about personal choice than familial duty. During this time, literature, art, and theater began to depict love as a passion-filled, transformative experience that could elevate individuals to higher states of being, with individuals often idealizing their partners to an almost mythical level.

The Modern Era: Crushes in the Age of Social Media and Hyper-Reality

Fast-forward to the present, and the concept of idealizing a crush is perhaps more ubiquitous than ever before. Social media and digital platforms have revolutionized the way we experience romantic infatuation. With just a click, we can access a carefully curated version of someone’s life, often resulting in heightened expectations and fantasies. The modern-day crush has become a hybrid of historical romantic idealization and the curated realities of digital personas. It is not uncommon for people to become enamored with the projected image of someone on Instagram or TikTok, often failing to see the complexities and imperfections of the individual behind the screen.

Psychologically, this tendency to idealize crushes can be understood as an extension of our desire for perfection. In a world full of chaos and uncertainty, the mind seeks stability and security in fantasies, where the object of affection is flawless, unblemished by the complexities of real life. This idealization, however, can be damaging, as it creates unrealistic expectations and prevents true connection.

Breaking Free: Embracing Reality and Understanding Idealization

While idealizing a crush is a deeply ingrained part of the human experience, it is essential to acknowledge that this idealization often prevents us from seeing others as they truly are. Understanding the historical evolution of romantic idealization helps us recognize how deeply societal and cultural narratives influence our personal experiences with love.

The challenge, then, is to strike a balance between the excitement and energy that comes from romantic idealization and the grounded wisdom that comes from embracing the full, nuanced reality of others. Love, whether it is a fleeting crush or a long-term relationship, requires us to see not only the perfection but also the imperfections of the person we care about. In embracing these imperfections, we can foster more authentic and meaningful connections.

Conclusion: The Timeless Dance Between Fantasy and Reality

Idealizing crushes is a pattern as old as human civilization itself. From the courtly love of the Middle Ages to the hyper-realistic depictions of romance in today’s social media era, the desire to project perfection onto others has shaped our understanding of attraction. By looking at history, we can better understand the forces that shape our emotions and desires today, allowing us to embrace both the fantasy and the reality of human relationships. Whether in medieval poetry or modern-day digital interactions, the heart still yearns for connection — but it is up to us to make that connection real, not just imagined.

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